Blog tour: Chapter Reveal and Giveaway: Fletcher Best's The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker
Genre: Humor/Satire
Author: Fletcher Best
Publisher: Fletcher Best
Pages: 202
Language: English
Format: Paperback
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Dark secrets lie
just below the surface of the small town of Lake Porker, Texas. The
long-time, yet much-despised mayor has been keeping his job by means
of rigging elections with the help of the town clerk, a highly
respected woman who secretly happens to be the mayor's dominatrix
lover. The man that most of the town thinks is a successful stock day
trader is actually a methamphetamine kingpin. His drop-dead beautiful
and supposedly devoted God-fearing wife is not only plotting to kill
him and take over his meth empire, but she's having sex with everyone
and anyone she thinks will be helpful in advancing that goal. The new
African-American deputy is drawing the ire of the town rednecks and
is secretly involved in a May - December romance with the sheriff's
wife. Then there's Octavio, the oversexed freshwater octopus bred by
the brilliant and lonely fish hatchery scientist who has trained him
in the ways of pleasure and has taken him as her lover.
The giant octopus
periodically escapes the fish breeding lab and roams the lake looking
for other targets for his sexual talents, much to the confusing
combination of arousal and horror in his victims. Octavio can't be
kept secret forever, and soon he attracts the attention of a
cryptozoologist and documentary film producer and his intrepid
cameraman out to make their next hit reality television special. All
of this plays out in an absurd, darkly comedic romp filled with sex,
drugs, and violence.
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About
the Author
Fletcher Best is an American author of humorous fiction and science fiction. He is the author of the Stranded In Time series of science fiction novels, including Pirates of the Storm, The Corpornation, and the upcoming third installment, Timeless. His humorous works include Sniffing Out Stink Ape, The Great Chupacabra Kerfuffle, and The Eight Fingered Fiend of Lake Porker.
In addition to his novels, Fletcher Best also writes short stories that are published exclusively for the enjoyment of visitors to his website, FletcherBest.com. These include the popular, Manatee Vengeance - Blood at the Boat Launch, Alien Invasion of the Zombie Apocalypse, Operation Black Friday, and A Fabulous Business Opportunity.
Born in Miami, Florida, Fletcher has lived in Texas since 1988. He (or more correctly, his real-life alter-ego George Best) attended Parker College of Chiropractic in Dallas before beginning a chiropractic practice in San Antonio in 1992. He has resided in San Antonio ever since and now lives in sin with his girlfriend and their 4 cats (the sin being strictly with the girlfriend, not the cats).
Readers are invited to connect with Fletcher through his website at http://www.FletcherBest.com.
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Chapter 1: Bless Your Heart
“Well, Dr. Braun, what a pleasant surprise!” Betty
Joe Porker-Wilkins gushed as Dr. Helga Braun shyly approached the
front table of the annual Lake Porker Christian Church bake sale with
a tray of brownies.
“Uh, h-hello, Betty Joe,” Dr. Braun replied quietly.
“I, uh, the Institute directors, well they want me to be more, uh,
active in the community. They said I should, uh, participate in the
bake sale this year. I made brownies. I h-hope they’re good
enough. I d-don’t bake much.”
Betty Joe smiled, stepped out from behind the table, and
put an arm around Dr. Braun’s shoulder. “Well bless your heart!
I’m so glad you decided to come! It’s been a while since we’ve
seen you in church, and it’s so nice to have you here!” she said
warmly as she led the scientist over to a table to set her brownies
out on. “And don’t you look nice today,” Betty Joe continued.
“That lab coat of yours paired with that dress really sets off
your… well, it makes you look so… well… researcher-like!”
“Uh, thank you?” Dr. Braun replied, not sure if the
comment was a compliment or not. Dr. Helga Braun was not used to
getting complimented on her appearance. While a very intelligent
woman, she had never really considered herself to be attractive, and
everyone else she had ever met seemed to agree, except for her late
mother who had always tried to encourage her. But with her short,
stocky body that she always encased in formless mumu-style dresses
under her signature lab coat, and thick-lensed glasses that distorted
the look of her face, compliments on her appearance were rare.
Actually, they had been non-existent since her mother passed away.
Her looks were occasionally compared to those of a well-known
celebrity she did bear a passing resemblance to when seen at certain
angles in a certain light. Those comparisons could hardly be
considered to be complimentary though, as the celebrity was Ernest
Borgnine.
“You’re very welcome,” Betty Joe replied, as she
took the plate of brownies from Dr. Braun and removed the foil
covering. She couldn’t help but cringe when the sight of the
brownies greeted her. They were flat, burned, and so dry they were
crumbling just from setting the plate on the table. “Well, don’t
those look… interesting,” Betty Joe said diplomatically.
“I’m a-afraid I burned them a little,” Dr. Braun
admitted. “They, they don’t look very good, do they?” she
asked as she squinted and crinkled her nose, looking at Betty Joe for
her reaction.
“Nonsense,” Betty Joe replied with a smile.
“They’re as pretty as their baker!” she exclaimed, being honest
for the first time in their conversation.
Dr. Braun blushed. “Oh, my God! Pretty? Nobody’s
ever called me that before. Not even my mother! And from you, and
you’re so beautiful… In fact, you’re outright gorgeous…”
“Now, now, let’s not get carried away…” Betty
Joe said quickly. “I’m just lucky to have learned early on how
to hide my flaws with makeup and clothes.”
But Betty Joe was stretching the truth again. While she
did know a thing or two about makeup and clothes, she was about as
close to flawless looking as a human being can be. Tall, blonde and
tan, with perfect sparkling teeth and deep blue eyes and a body that
looked as good or better up close and personal as any airbrushed
magazine model, Betty Joe was stunning. She always dressed
conservatively when out and about, but even in her usual modest
flower-patterned and lace-trimmed dresses, she never failed to turn
the head of every man in town and even the heads of quite a few of
the women.
Betty Joe turned to Dr. Braun, “And you’re so smart!
I’m about as dumb as a brick. You’re so blessed to have beauty
and brains!”
Dr. Braun blushed again. “Thank you,” she smiled a
crooked smile that, combined with the distorted look of her eyes
behind her thick glasses, almost gave Betty Joe the shivers, but she
managed to shake them off.
“You’re welcome, dear,” Betty Joe smiled. “You
know, I’m so glad you came today. I’ve heard you do some
fascinating work over at the Institute and I’d love to learn more
about that,” she said as she led Dr. Braun away from the table to
the shade of a nearby oak tree.
“Well,” Dr. Braun began, trying to focus her
thoughts amidst her rapidly-developing crush on Betty Joe, “I run
aquatic breeding experiments. Mostly I work with breeding largemouth
bass and catfish to grow bigger and heartier for stocking in Lake
Porker and other sites in Texas, but I have a few side projects too.”
“Well bless your heart, that is so interesting,”
Betty Joe said as she flirtatiously flipped her blonde hair with her
fingers. “Out of curiosity, do you do anything with chemistry,
like developing new products?” she asked. “It’s always been a
dream of mine to start my own line of beauty products, but I have no
idea how to go about formulating them.”
“Well, my current job is really about genetics and
breeding, but I do have a background in chemistry as well. I suppose
I might be able to help you with developing your products,” Dr.
Braun nodded.
“I was hoping you’d say that!” Betty Joe
enthused. “The only problem will be keeping my mind on business
with you around in your smart lab-coat,” she said coyly as she
gently placed a hand on Dr. Braun’s shoulder.
Dr. Braun was shocked. Was Betty Joe coming on to her?
She had always considered herself to be straight, but in truth had
never had the opportunity to really test that theory. As far as she
knew Betty Joe was a happily married, heterosexual, God-fearing
woman. But despite her inexperience in romance, it seemed pretty
clear to Dr. Braun that Betty Joe wanted more than just someone to
formulate beauty products. Suddenly her mind was filled with lustful
thoughts about Betty Joe. Her body flushed and she could feel her
nethers getting damp. Though it was early summer in Central Texas,
the heat she was feeling had nothing to do with the weather. Maybe
she wasn’t so straight after all.
“W-why don’t you c-come to my lab t-tonight and I’ll
s-show you around?” Dr. Braun said nervously, desperately hoping
that Betty Joe would agree.
“That would be lovely,” Betty Joe said with a smile
and a wink as she slid her hand down Dr. Braun’s arm and gave her
hand a squeeze. “Would around 8:00 be a good time to… come?”
she said, subtly emphasizing the last word.
“Y-yes!” was all Dr. Braun could manage to reply.
“Wonderful!” Betty Joe exclaimed as she leaned over
and gave Dr. Braun a hug. “Until this evening then, Dr. Braun,”
she said as she turned to head back to the bake sale entrance.
“P-please, c-call me Helga,” Dr. Braun replied in
what came out as a hoarse whisper.
“Well, bless your heart! Helga it is!” Betty Joe
nodded over her shoulder.
Dr. Braun took a moment to collect herself. Did
that really just happen? She was under
orders from her bosses at the Texas Institute of Technology and
Science to mingle and socialize at the bake sale for PR purposes.
While the TITS fish breeding facility had always been accepted by the
people of Lake Porker, plans for future expansion would require
additional land that the Institute would have to purchase from the
town and the directors figured a little extra goodwill couldn’t
hurt in getting the voters to agree to a favorable deal. Dr. Braun
had not been excited about socializing before her conversation with
Betty Joe, and she was even less focused on the task now.
Dr. Braun took a deep breath and straightened her lab
coat as she made her way back to the bake sale. She awkwardly
attempted to strike up conversations with a few of the other
attendees, but her usual shyness combined with her Betty Joe-related
distraction resulted in very short conversations that consisted
mostly of her saying hello and her getting a hello or nod back. All
the same, she did her best and after an hour or so of her
unsuccessful attempts to engage others in conversation, she selected
a few bake sale items and headed for the table where Betty Joe and a
few other women were collecting the money.
“Looks like you found some things to your liking, Dr.
Braun… I mean Helga,” Betty Joe said as she greeted her with a
brilliant smile that sparkled in the sunlight like her teeth were
perfectly cut diamonds.
“Uh, yes,” Helga replied, fighting off the lustful
feelings that were rushing back at being in close proximity to Betty
Joe.
“Let’s see, we have some of Florence’s pound cake,
Alice’s turnovers, and a bag of my chocolate chip cookies. That
will be $8.00 even, sweetie,” Betty Joe said.
Helga dug out her wallet from her purse and fumbled
through her money before handing a five and three ones to Betty Joe.
“Well bless your heart, exact change and everything,”
Betty Joe said as she placed the bills in their respective slots of
the cash box. “I hope you enjoy my cookies,” she said with a
wink. “I’ll see you later, sweetie.”
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